A New Life For Coal Fired Plants

In a bid to avoid public outrage over skyrocketing energy prices and the inevitable brownouts resulting from the planned decommissioning of coal fired power plants across the province, one Albertan believes he has a viable way to smooth-out the transition to renewable sources of energy.


Now a post-graduate student of economics at the U of A who holds a degree in Baking Technology Management (yes you read that correctly) from London's Southbank University, Stam Tollenwonk has been keeping a close eye on the proverbial egg timer of climate change since being slapped with a crippling fine of £3,200 for not reporting an addition of a wood-fired cake oven to his overseas bakery.

"If I didn't suffer from hemophilia, I'd have slapped myself," says the bushy-eyed champion of green alternatives, "I honestly should've known better."    

His idea is to substitute fiat currency and petro dollars for coal... literally.

"Of course it sounds crazy. Burning money? But when you really stop to think about it, all that paper currency wouldn't even exist today if it weren't for fossil fuels. If our aim is really to bury once and for all our dependence on carbon intensive energy, you might just look at burning petro dollars as some kind of poetic send-off,"

Many are skeptical. John McGroovinator, a senior public relations representative for Dugdone Investments based in Lockstock Minnesota feels that the burning of paper currency isn't without its merits, but questions the long-term availability of supply.

"How much paper money is currently available," he questions, "and have they factored-in the burn-rate over carbon output of that plasticized money they use in Canada?"

Stam counters that he has considered the plastic quotient, and looks forward to burning more money if his research grant application is approved.

"In terms of carbon dioxide output, money leaves coal in the dust."