Thursday, April 24, 2014

Canada's Free Market Dictatorship

Early this morning, as my caffeine fueled mind was reluctantly succumbing to the societal ordinances that dictate staying awake past 3:00 a.m. is an indication of insomnia, I was fine-tuning a business model that I'd formulated some years ago.

When describing the essence of this model to people, they never seem to grasp the gist of it. They're trapped in the proverbial boxed-in thinking about how things work.

I say: in order to arrive at 'Z', we need to subtract 'C', 'D', and 'E'.

Then they essentially contribute, "Yeah! But you should also add 'C', 'D', 'E', and 'F' to make it better!

They've missed the point entirely. I'm thinking in terms of simplifying inventory and eliminating unnecessary labour costs while they're already mentally spending the profit on aesthetic ideals. Whereas I am designing structural efficiency in a business model, they are introducing expensive complexities. They are thinking in terms of colours and fonts, as I propose ways to extract a share of global equity in an already saturated market. It's frustrating.

If I had to describe my business model in two words, they would be, "limiting permutations."

If I had to define my strategy, it would simply be, "Fuck you, Otherguy."

Here's what I shared on Facebook this afternoon:

Even though I consider myself a CPC loyalist, I've devised a way to really stick-it to those Wendy's shareholders... you know, that AmeriCanadian take-out coffee monopoly otherwise known "Timmy's?"

I was watching Question Period one day, and was somewhat taken aback when one of the CPC members slipped an homage to Tim Horton's into his little soliloquy in the House of Commons... it was like an inside joke... his colleagues all chuckled as though they knew something the rest of us didn't.

Now... I know people adore their double-doubles in the morning, afternoon, and the nighttime... heck, even I like Timmy's coffee too (black... in a small format), but damned if it isn't the only gig in town other than hipster-friendly Starbucks.

Why do you think Canada insisted on stabilizing Afghanistan - apart from securing the rich mineral wealth for The Queen, getting a leg-up on the world's opium supply, and the pipeline route to the Ukraine?

Arab coffee beans, friends. Think about it... one of the first mandates of the Minister of Defense was to put what in Afghanistan? That's right... the Double-Double King!

Well friends, I tell you that Wendy's shareholders are in for some urgent price fixing thanks to my latest development. I plan to use crowd sourcing to foster start-up capital for my new venture, and finally, small town Canadians will once again have a choice in molded plastic sitting areas. This is a franchise opportunity. I've already fleshed-out the permutations, the marginal errors, and the distinguishing elements that should lead to the extraction of up to 20% of Wendy's volume sales.

Nobody really gets pinched too hard if everything goes according to plan. The market is saturated which is why Timmy's relies upon an expansionist model. I was simply thinking about how strange it is that in our free market dictatorship, there exists little to no competition in the take-out cream & sugar department. McDonald's, A&W, and a few others serve-up decent coffee, but my franchise model is an entirely different animal from the aforementioned.

Thanks to my imaginative business model, Canadians will yet again have a choice between lining-up out the door for their double-double, or strolling next-door to the "Fuck You Wendy's" enterprise!

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