[sound of squirrel chattering]
(derisive tone)
"Are you training that squirrel?"
(cutesy-smarmy tone)
"Yeah. I was making some pulled pork and it takes about five hours so I thought I'd kill some time."
While I'm paraphrasing here, this is the gist of the latest radio ads put forth by Subway.
Wait for it, there's another one!
[sound of impact wrench]
(derisive tone)
"Why are you taking your car apart? Are you a mechanic?"
(cutesy-smarmy voice)
"Not really. It's just that I was making pulled pork and it takes about five hours, so I thought I'd keep myself busy."
They weren't amusing the first time I'd heard them, and after the umpteenth dozen instance of exposure to them, I couldn't resist the urge to pull them apart so to speak: who exactly is the target audience of these ads?
Confession: I'm not slow-cooking pork while I write this piece.
Nor do I have any intention of ever putting a quick-make brand pulled pork sandwich anywhere near my mouth.
Presuming Subway invests a considerable amount of research capital into their advertising campaigns, I'm guessing they'd expect their marketing team to spend more time on their ad campaign than it takes to prepare a batch of pulled pork. Why then are these ads so insulting to anyone who's not incapable of occupying their time with useful pursuits for a mere span of five hours?
A friend of mine, a bit of a hobbyist cook, invited me over one Sunday to sample his first attempt at pulled pork. If memory serves, it was ready to go about twenty minutes after I'd arrived at his place around 3:00 PM. This tells me he must have started the timer around 11:00 AM after a half-hour or so of preparation: seasoning; dicing onions; preheating the cooker.
I'm guessing he didn't watch the pot the whole time, so pray-tell, what did he endeavour to do whilst the meat slowly simmered? I'm guessing it didn't involve Pavlovian seminars with woodland creatures or impromptu large-scale mechanical projects. The pork was fantastic, by the way.
"Why are you training that squirrel?"
"I'm not. The squirrel is training me, you jackass."
"Easy there pal. I thought you were making pulled pork? Isn't it ready yet?"
"Go grab your impatient self a pile of ratshit and reheated onions on a bun from the sandwich counter? Have 'em chuck some banana peppers on it to disguise the bland mediocrity. Seems more your style."
The idea being, I suppose, is that Subway is selling us a time machine, and only Subway can defeat the whole impetus behind pulled pork. But pulled pork is not a dish that's intended to be quick. Why would the play-doh fun factory of fast food places even bother?
"Why are you dismantling your car? Are you a mechanic?"
"Mechanical engineer to be precise. What are you up to? Still working at the career in sandwich artistry?"
"Yeah. I thought you said we were having pulled pork?"
"I guess I should've told you. Real food involves more than a microwave and a pair of disposable gloves."
(derisive tone)
"Are you training that squirrel?"
(cutesy-smarmy tone)
"Yeah. I was making some pulled pork and it takes about five hours so I thought I'd kill some time."
While I'm paraphrasing here, this is the gist of the latest radio ads put forth by Subway.
Wait for it, there's another one!
[sound of impact wrench]
(derisive tone)
"Why are you taking your car apart? Are you a mechanic?"
(cutesy-smarmy voice)
"Not really. It's just that I was making pulled pork and it takes about five hours, so I thought I'd keep myself busy."
They weren't amusing the first time I'd heard them, and after the umpteenth dozen instance of exposure to them, I couldn't resist the urge to pull them apart so to speak: who exactly is the target audience of these ads?
A bastardization of real food.
Confession: I'm not slow-cooking pork while I write this piece.
Nor do I have any intention of ever putting a quick-make brand pulled pork sandwich anywhere near my mouth.
Presuming Subway invests a considerable amount of research capital into their advertising campaigns, I'm guessing they'd expect their marketing team to spend more time on their ad campaign than it takes to prepare a batch of pulled pork. Why then are these ads so insulting to anyone who's not incapable of occupying their time with useful pursuits for a mere span of five hours?
A friend of mine, a bit of a hobbyist cook, invited me over one Sunday to sample his first attempt at pulled pork. If memory serves, it was ready to go about twenty minutes after I'd arrived at his place around 3:00 PM. This tells me he must have started the timer around 11:00 AM after a half-hour or so of preparation: seasoning; dicing onions; preheating the cooker.
I'm guessing he didn't watch the pot the whole time, so pray-tell, what did he endeavour to do whilst the meat slowly simmered? I'm guessing it didn't involve Pavlovian seminars with woodland creatures or impromptu large-scale mechanical projects. The pork was fantastic, by the way.
"Why are you training that squirrel?"
"I'm not. The squirrel is training me, you jackass."
"Easy there pal. I thought you were making pulled pork? Isn't it ready yet?"
"Go grab your impatient self a pile of ratshit and reheated onions on a bun from the sandwich counter? Have 'em chuck some banana peppers on it to disguise the bland mediocrity. Seems more your style."
The idea being, I suppose, is that Subway is selling us a time machine, and only Subway can defeat the whole impetus behind pulled pork. But pulled pork is not a dish that's intended to be quick. Why would the play-doh fun factory of fast food places even bother?
"Why are you dismantling your car? Are you a mechanic?"
"Mechanical engineer to be precise. What are you up to? Still working at the career in sandwich artistry?"
"Yeah. I thought you said we were having pulled pork?"
"I guess I should've told you. Real food involves more than a microwave and a pair of disposable gloves."
 |
| What pulled pork should look like. |
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