Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Pimp My (Alberta) Campus


Just to be clear, I think Thomas puts the Progressive in the Alberta PC Party, and I don't really give a dog-damn about what goes on in post-secondary institutions so long as they're not concocting legions of microscopic death machines in the nano research facility of Campus Alberta.

Though I don't have any fancy letter designations after my name like our Provincial Deputy Czar, I did sort-of complete nearly one-third of a program at S.A.I.T. once upon a time. I dropped-out. Not only because the programming seemed awkwardly archaic, as though spit-out by some freakish abomination of a 1950's robotic engineering firm, my unenthusiastic instructors (I'm sure it was just my exceedingly bad luck in timing) mostly sucked, and at the time I was so highly confused by my self-imposed impoverished lifestyle that I just couldn't bear to suffer the stupidity of fighting the whole system on a diet of oatmeal and cabbage. Still, I think it's safe to say I know a thing or two about how higher education relates to getting higher and higher, and I don't need a diploma to rock the piano well enough to convince a certain typecast of art-chick that I'm not altogether unworthy of a good snogging, so.... uhh... drop me a line sometime?

Hopefully this latest institutional excision by the PCs will be enough to coerce the cadre of registered geek sympathizers into descending the staircases of their ivory towers long enough to tighten their belts a bit. His excellency, Czar Thomas, shouldn't hesitate in using his new found super powers stemming from his freshly minted status as a magic fulcrum in extorting some useful intellectual property from the entitled clutches of the pampered, directionless egg heads. These absent-minded professors with their dope pipes and their gaggles of art-fag groupies for audiences. Let's get serious here and break-out the filmstrip projectors; unlock the old listening lab for a dose of reality when it comes to reporting cutting-edge technology as an appreciating asset.

It's high time post secondary education dollars started garnering greater plus-money returns in their legacy role of twisting innovative thinkers into well-respected industry serving cogs with important shiny pins on their lapels. Czar Lukaszuk should use his elevated title like a trump card in as many backroom deals as possible and pimp the brain trust behind closed doors to key industry players - to the benefit of all Albertans, of course. If there were Alberta Legislative Member trading cards, I'd have only Thomas Lukaszuc and Raj Sherman cards in my collection because even during the Ed Stelmach daze, I thought them to be pretty cool operators with fine speaking voices.


Whatever. Get rich and have some fun at taxpayer expense. Who cares what the peanut gallery thinks. Most of them couldn't see the trees for the forest if they had on a pair of extra strength tree/forest-vision goggles. The unigeeks will always take care of developing innovative ideas because most of them need to resort to distinguishing themselves intellectually in order to get some action on a Friday night. You don't need a degree with distinction to figure out that the cart needs to go BEFORE the horse if you expect to lug those textbooks from the printing press. Now that the toothpaste is out of the tube, we need to get on with trying to put it back in by awarding some sweet contracts to some loosely organized firms who are willing to make every piece of empirical knowledge on record accessible through Kindle. Let's move forward already and turn over some serious one-sided coins.


The way I see it, the people who enroll in University can be divided into one of three camps: the methodical careerist who views higher education as nothing more than a necessary step in their pursuit of a normal, professional lifestyle; the gifted academic who wants to play a part in the advancement of universal knowledge for all of humanity; and the clueless hot chicks and hammerheads who see no option other than going to Campus Alberta so they can party and be with their friends. All three camps form a perfectly equilateral trinity of equilibrium in balancing the natural course of human progress against the intentions of God almighty.

Time is money, money is power, and power is maintaining an iron grip on the regulatory agencies that broker our lifestyles through their patents and their procurement of intellectual property. Let's pimp that campus post haste!

No comments:

Post a Comment